


Sausage

by Rupert



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Crack, Humor, I have no idea okay i'm so sorr y, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-05-06
Packaged: 2018-03-29 06:56:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3886624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rupert/pseuds/Rupert
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>who needs friends when you have sausage</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. sausage fest

**Author's Note:**

> just another shit crack fic because I felt inspired

“Why does Killua even _want_ friends?”

 

“Illumi, don’t say that, we’re friends aren’t we?” the clown man mocked looking hurt. Illumi just stared at him with a blank expression. Boner boy wonder was his friend, huh? He could have done better. He _deserved_ better.

 

“Hisoka, ‘friends’ don’t challenge you to fight every week and say _‘loser has to touch the winners sausage’,”_ He visibly shuddered.

 

Illumi DESPISED sausage. Too much grease, not enough meat. And Hisoka always bought the knockoff brand. You know the kind.

 

“Well how would you know?” Hisoka smiled. Gross.

 

“Because the meat is cheap and feels like plastic,”

 

“No, I meant how do you know friends don’t have sausage fests?” Oh. He didn’t know why he thought Hisoka could read his mind for a moment there.

 

_Sausage fest._

 

How Illumi hated them.

 

Every now and then Hisoka would somehow accumulate mass amounts of sausage and grill them until they charred black. He would invite Illumi over to feel them. One by one. It was only ever the two of them.  

 

Is this… friendship?

 

Is this what Killua wants?  

 

To feel Gon’s grilled sausage?

 

“Unacceptable.” He would not stand for this. If it’s sausage he wanted, big brother Illumi can deliver.

 

“Hisoka, I need to know where you get your sausage,” 

 

“Walmart has the cheapest brands, usually,”

 

“Take me there. To this.. Wall Mart,”     

 

“As you wish.”

 

Hisoka picked Illumi up, princess style. Almost like a bride. A princess bride. And they were off.

 

Nyoom snoom motherfucker.

               


	2. eggs bacon grits—

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> off to get the goods

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suggest watching this if you haven't yet before reading: youtube.com/watch?v=9Fl9yZUwbhs

Chrollo scanned the twenty fifth egg carton. The women who chose his checkout lane made a grave mistake. He could have very well just copied the scanned item for however many she had, but he did them individually. He looked at her cart; it was overflowing with eggs. The woman's eyes were dead.

 

_Beep.. beep.. beep_

 

Neither one said a thing.

 

This is it. This is where Chrollo finds peace.

 

_crASH_

 

“Some **bODY ONCE TOLD ME** —” Someone opened the door and screamed. No, they did not open the door. With a ferocious kick, they propelled it to the other end of the building.

 

It was an automatic door.

 

“WHEN I WALK INTO STORE ALL I WANT IS—”

 

“ _SAUSAGE!”_

 

 _“_ GIMME THAT SHIT CAUSE I NEED SOME—”

 

“ _SAUSAGE!”_

 

Hisoka galloped through the store with Illumi in his arms. They bounced through the aisles, searching. Hisoka would spout some random line, and Illumi would end his sentences.

 

“TELL THAT BITCH TO COME AND LICK MY—”

 

“SAUSAGE!”

 

“KILLUAS BROTHER HAS GOT A MIGHTY NICE—”

 

“ _SAUSAGE!”_  

 

Chrollo scanned the thirty fourth egg carton.

 

Illumi had his arms stretched out, knocking down everything on the shelves as they skipped through the aisles. Thank the spiders Chrollo doesn’t work shelving.

 

“SAUSAGESAUSEA _GESAUSAGESAUGE—”_

 

They finally found the cold cuts section and got down to business, grabbing whatever package of lean meat they could find, chucking it into a cart with a passionate ‘ _SAUSAGE!’_ for each one. When they got the cart is a mystery to us all.

 

Chrollo scanned the forty forth carton of eggs.

 

And then it happened.

 

After successfully stuffing the trolley with meaties, Hisoka gave Chrollo _the look._

 

He knew that look. Once he made eye contact he knew it was fucking over. With disdain, he scanned the fifty first egg carton. He wasn’t even half way through. The woman apparently took no notice of the sausage boys and their escapade for meat tubes.

 

Illumi rode in the cart of packaged pig meat, and Hisoka raced it forward. Their voices progressively getting louder and louder. It was time.

 

“ _I LIKE MY BOYS LIKE I LIKE MY—”_

 

_“SAUSAGE!”_

 

_“BURN BABY BURN BABY BURN MY—”_

 

_“SAUSAGE!”_

 

They crashed into the lane next to him.

 

“A schwing and a miss,” Hisoka declared, heartbroken. But he recovered quickly, and eyed the woman’s cart of eggs. Oh no. Don’t you fucking—Hisoka, I will c _all up upon to spiders to sNEAK INTO YOUR MORNING COFFEE DON’T YOU DARE—_  

 

“ _I EAT EGGS, BUT GIMME SOME—”_

 

_“SAUSAAAAAGE!”_

 

Hisoka jumped into the cart of eggs, dancing. Pelvic thrusts. How god damn original. He was now covered in yolk. Maybe Chrollo should have voiced his threats out loud.

 

The woman began to weep. Broken, and at a loss for words.

 

Chrollo also let a single tear escape. He wasn't anywhere close to finishing.. Not even half way through... He was so close. He was so damn close, yet so far. The eggs dripped onto the floor. Chrollo couldn’t take it anymore.

 

“You air conditioned assholes,” He whispered. Illumi rested a hand on his shoulder in sympathy, as if he was an innocent bystander. Fucking clown posse freaks.

 

Hisoka had already made a break for the door, taking the cart with him. Illumi also soon disappeared, and he was left alone. Alone with the woman, still weeping. Slowly melting into the floor. Mixing with the egg yolks.

 

Chrollo made a quick prayer to the spiders, and thanked them that he wasn't on cleaning duty.


End file.
